The Last First
by MCCrocker
Summary: She wasn't used to being the one with all the secrets and yet she had to give him something so she would trust her. He didn't know her now but he would and he knew that it would always lead to this - that damned man. *Set during Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead


Her last was his first. It was hard to believe and yet the truth sat there before her. He didn't even know who she was. The disconnect, the mistrust, it was there written all over his face -that infinitesimally young face. Sure, it was true that he had worn younger but she could see it in his eyes. All of it was yet to come for him. How could this be? She knew the day was coming and she should have expected it but it was still just as brutal a slap in the face as ever. The man she loved - for nearly her whole life and he didn't even know.

It was strange watching him work, seeing that reservation. It was no less than she deserved she hadn't exactly been a good girl but still to come from that night on Darillium... It made the shock all the more real. River reflected only a bit longer - she could not let this get her down she could not dwell on what she could not control. There was certain danger and innocents around. What would the Doctor expect of her if he were his normal self?

Poise control, keep people out of the way and let him work. She was going to need him to trust him. She hated doing it she hated giving him the shock of his life. He wasn't going to like it. He never liked not knowing, he was about as bad at it as saying good bye. Telling him his name would suffice but it was something of a spoiler. Still it was all she had left to offer if it should come down to it. To tell him of his past the past she knew so well had followed and flitted in and out of without him realizing - he wouldn't believe her, there were too many ifs too many plausible ways to know things, ways he would be all too happy to supply. His name however there was only one way and one way alone that she would have that. Still she would not use it unless it became absolutely necessary.

Of course, fate would have it that using his name became absolutely necessary and she mentally cursed herself. She would set into motion events that would be out of her control - if they made it out of this alive then more questions would follow and losing his trail would not be easy particularly when he heard her voice, saw her face and knew her name - well at least one of them.

The look on his face when she spoke into his ear, she wasn't ready for it - for the shock and disbelief. Still she was stronger than this stronger than to let her petty emotions get in the way like he had been.

"Are we good?"* She asked looking him in the eye. It was difficult being in this position knowing more than he did. Before he had been the all-knowing one or they each had their share of secrets now she had them all and he had none. Still there were things that had to be done lives to be saved - loses had already been incurred and there were more yet to come but not this day if she could help it though the odds were not in their favor. Still - focus she had to work and fast keep the doctor on point and not let him out of her sight. He was rash at this age and taking risks to himself that he should not take and true enough he started to be noble sacrifice himself when there was so much left for him to do.

The bastard. That damned man! He knew that this was coming, he knew her whole life. Everything led to this point. It was why he was so sad at the singing towers. He knew that she wouldn't let him make this sacrifice and it was always her. Why didn't he warn her tell her? Yet she knew - spoilers. Nothing could be changed - it was written and once written down and read it could not be revoked and what could be - what could be changed? No she couldn't bear for a single line of their lives together to alter.

After knocking him out and ensuring that he couldn't interfere, River took one brief moment to allow her emotions to wash over her. Time was not on her side and yet there were a few precious seconds to spare and she knew how to user them. She leaned down kissed the head of the damnable man that she loved, a love that she never expected to be returned and yet was.

She wiped the single tear that escaped from her face and set to work. There was no more time and she could not be selfish. She could not keep him forever they could not go on forever. This was the only way - it was as it always had been and always would be. He tried to fight to argue to save her and yet he couldn't she wouldn't let him.

"Hush now. Spoilers."* It was all she had time for all she could say though there was so much more so much packed into those three words that he would yet learn. How many spoilers were yet to come? She made the final connection her final sacrifice and her final goodbye - he would live to see her yet again and it the only comfort she could take in that final second of her life. He would live and see her again - all of time and space the Doctor and her in the Tardis among other places.

[sub]*Quotes taken directly from the episodes Silence in the Library and Forest of the Dead[/sub]


End file.
